Darrin’s Dilemma

By Paul B.D. Lynde

Darren Stevens loved Samantha, in spite of her being a witch. But ever since their wedding night, he had the urge to fuck every woman he came in contact with. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to have sex with his wife. On the contrary, they did it at least three times during the week, and three times that on the weekends. In fact, the more he did it with his wife, the more he lusted for other women.

To battle this problem of cheating on Samantha, he drank quite a bit, which always loosened his lips on the matter, and resulted in Darren bedding whatever female was available in the bar. The first year, he was very suspicious of everything, human, nonhuman, animal, and even cigarette machines, he thought they were Samantha spying on him. As a matter of fact, in a state of drunkenness, Darren once took his S&W snub-nose .38 and assassinated a small black cat. 

That was it. Darren quickly became overconfident and arrogant about his situation. He decided he had to accept the way he was. He traded gin for orange Nehi. Cigarettes for Double mint gum. And a lot more sky with his infidelity. Still, he and Samantha had an overactive sex life, even after Tabitha was born.

The last two years had been hell for Darren. With fighting off a drunken Uncle Arthur when Samantha wasn’t around, or being blackmailed into a sex on Sunday evenings with Mrs. Kravitz (who demanded anal every time) so Mr. Kravitz can film with his new super 8 camera, and of course Thursday nooners with Larry Tate’s wife….it was all too exhausting.

In his glib arrogance, Darren forgot to wear rubbers and a nasty huge swollen STD pimple emerged on the top of his pecker. Why, it even started talking to him! Putting him down, and calling him every name except that started with the letter D except Darren. 

Suddenly, Darren understood.

“Endora! Get your face off my Johnson!”

“Oh, I’ll do more than that, Derwood!”

And in a blink of an eye, Endora had transformed from a STD sore to being herself, heavy eyelid makeup, bright red hair, and bright red lips, which was now gobbling Darren’s enlarged, vein laden penis. 

“You silly mutton head,” she said, catching her breath, “All these years what you thought was hatred for you was just plain simple sexual tension between us!”

And Darren seemed to like his mother-in-law more and more.