Mrs. COVID 19

Recently, I was sent to Anaheim, California, for the Covid-19 Beauty Pageant! Live from the legendary Disneyland Hotel! It was a truly star-studded event! Hundreds of women entered, but sadly only one would be declared Miss Covid-19. There was a panel of four judges, and let me tell you, I was certainly starstruck.

The first judge was legendary adult film star Ron Jeremy. I got a couple of remarks from him regarding his role in the pageant. “These women are hot, Rob. I can just tell from their foreheads. It’s got me all hot!” The next judge was famous actor Terry Crews, who, of course, recently admitted to his controversial addiction to adult content. So he and Ron had quite a bit to talk about. Ron said, “My buddy Terry here told me he’s seen all my movies! Insane, right?” The third judge was former President Bill Clinton. I managed to get a few words from him as well. “Well, Rob, I’ve done my fair share of looking at women. I’m glad that I can finally put my hobby to work here.” The fourth and final judge was a last-minute addition, joining only because she was offended the event was taking place. None other than Tipper Gore. I tried to get a few words from her, but she simply turned away.

The pageant began with a few hundred women, and the judges proceeded by giving a yes or no to each contestant. I found this system a little odd, considering there was an even number of judges. Tipper Gore was often the dissenting vote. Eventually, officials removed the table after Terry Crews couldn’t keep his hands to himself. Once we were down to the final 30, Bill Clinton insisted on a 15-minute saxophone solo, followed by his rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner.” It brought Ron Jeremy to tears. Each contestant showcased unique talents for the judges, such as underwater basket weaving and guitar playing. But one contestant caught everyone’s eye—except, of course, Tipper Gore’s. This contestant had a rather unique skill: she could blow bubbles with, let’s say, certain body parts. She was poised to win, with Terry Crews now sitting in his briefs, Ron Jeremy barking like a dog, and Bill Clinton animatedly cheering. However, Tipper Gore launched into a 20-minute rant on how unacceptable it was, followed by a 30-minute presentation on why heavy metal music should be banned. To appease her, the contestant was removed. She took off her mask, revealing herself to be none other than Rita Wilson. The crowd erupted in a five-minute standing ovation.

Finally, the pageant narrowed down to five women. We had all been there for 16 hours and were exhausted. Terry Crews and Tipper Gore had each chosen their winners, but Bill Clinton and Ron Jeremy just couldn’t decide. Bill asked, “Now, ladies, if you were to win this pageant, what would you do for old Uncle Bill here?” Ron Jeremy echoed, asking the same question. Four of the women had no answer, but one replied, “Well, gentlemen, I would do whatever you guys wanted,” and she winked. This woman happened to be the same one Terry Crews and Tipper Gore had selected. Thus, by unanimous decision, Tonya Lewis was crowned Miss Covid-19.

As the celebration began, Tipper Gore stormed out of the auditorium in disgust. Terry Crews, now naked, dashed off to the bathroom with a bottle of lotion. Meanwhile, Ron Jeremy and Bill Clinton rushed the stage to congratulate their “prize.” They both asked Tonya to remove her mask, and when she did, their jaws dropped. Tonya Lewis was not who they had imagined. Her face was covered in warts below the nose, her two front teeth protruded like SpongeBob SquarePants, and she had a condition that caused her to drool without a mask on.

Ladies and gentlemen, in all my years of journalism, the Covid-19 Beauty Pageant was certainly one of a kind. I am Rob Lowe, signing off.